Becoming an adult I went through many changes, many relationships, many mindsets, many motives all while trying to figure out who I saw in the mirror who is it today J. A. , Tobias, ________, spektak, hova, colossus, jaron, the muffin man……
So many thoughts so many directions on how to approach the topic of relationships, love, fucking, opening up the heart, & knowing actually what you want.
I have used the word love many times. Never to manipulate the situation but as a way to verbally express the gratitude with a four letter word. Some of the most powerful words in the English language have only four letters try some of them out you will get a strong reaction.
In the process of narrowing down my personalities down to one some of the questions came up of what do I want in life. So that should determine who I should be. Fucking for sport, getting one chick after another, setting sexual goals and achieving them, meeting a challenge and overcoming it with ease…..
At this moment of clarity my comforts started to be taken away. My S.O.T.H. brothers moving on and away to the next chapter of their lives. Me losing my drivers license then my job at verizon.
Then the 6 year depression starts
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” – Tyler Durden
I learned me….. Hi I am J. A.
Then had J. A.’s reinvention possess (some of you might remember that from MySpace)
April 2007 is where I changed over from being an adult to becoming a man. That was my first test after the death of my brother. I felt weak & powerless when all I knew to do was to be strong. So that’s what I did for his mother, fiancée, family, my brothers. All I could do was focus on them.
The day before my brother 18 passed he was offered a raise and a few hours later I was offered my job back in verizon.
Back on the clock as a phone man my mind was not there it was with 18’s fiancée and her well being. To distract myself from reality I would say dream. One day a beautiful name from my past came up in my mind. Day after day this name playing in my head over and over again. Why I ask? I have not seen or thought about her since elementary school. But still every day that name over and over again.
Working on Salem rd near Morris ave in union New Jersey helping another tech block traffic something said turn around……… There she was…..
Hi are you ____ -___ ____?
Yes
I’m je je je je je je
[light turns green]
Well nice to meet you….
[she drives away]
Standing in the middle of the road with my mouth wide open wondering what the fuck just happened. I told the tech I had to go hopped in my van and started to look up her name online using my palm treo 680. I find about 10 phone numbers for her name I go to call one and hang up immediately thinking what kind of stalker am I?
Leave it alone Leave it alone……
So I did…..
A year and a half later after a failed relationship I finally dealt with the death of 18. Uncontrollable crying followed by a purchase something that 18 was looking forward to a iPhone when I kept the stance that nothing could top the palm pilot treo series! Boy was I wrong.
That December in 2008 18’s fiancée tried to convince me to join Facebook to promote my photography I resisted she made the account for me. Adding people from all of my worlds… Fight , family, bouncing, verizon, football……
Two days after doing so I get a friend request…… No it couldn’t be… Someone named ____ ____. So I send a message are you ____-___ ____ that went to Lincoln school in east orange??? She said yes. My heart started to pound. I asked how did you know it was me I have on a cowboy hat with the brim low and my name is J. A.? She said I just knew just from seeing that small part of your face.
My heart starts pounding!!!
So I message her about our in counter on Salem rd along with my phone number…..
No response.
The new year comes and as usual a family favor is requested of me. So I go to my cousins house and while ther I decide to do my first update on my iPhone. That did not go to well it erased everything off of my phone. Once it restored a few text messages and a voicemail came in. All my contacts were erased so I did the who is this my contacts are gone text. Then I get to the voicemail and its her. The most beautiful voice I had ever heard. I played that message for about 15 minuets. My cousin said what are you waiting for call her.
I did and we did not get off the phone the entire weekend.
We made plans to go out but listing to her everyday I heard her complaints of body aches exhaustion no free time single parent. So I told her give me one day and I will plan something. I was given a few hours so I had her meet me at massage envy in warren New Jersey afterwards we went next door to a Thai restruant had lunch and it seemed like a dream so much that when we sat down it was a clear day but walked out it was a foot of snow on the ground.
Not wanting our time together to end she said hey maybe one day you can take me to the range. I said Mr. Springfield is in the car if you have the time we can go now she said yes!
On the drive over to rays sport shop I thought could this be my brother giving me the gift of love like he had with not knowing of his fiancée except from elementary school and being brought back together in some unseen situation.
Could this be my chance? My chance at true love? Is she the one? Is she right for me? Can she protect my heart? Ears plugged. Eyes on her. Bullets flying. I’m in love!
Beautiful… As always