For the greater portion of my life I have been in the role of the protector in some way or fashion. Protecting friends family females clients or patrons…..
Friends and family are easy. You tend to receive all they are capable of giving it seems to be enough for your basic issues or support in tough times.
As a bouncer it was my duty to protect my co workers the patrons of the establishment & the establishment it’s self. There are tough choices that are needed to be made but you had to stick with them for the greater good of what it is that you are protecting. There is little emotion set in this form or protection but you can get emotional for things not going according to plan be it theft injury or loss I life…. In but a moment all of that can be washed away because you have a job as the protector to continue with.
The hardest thing I have in countered has been feeling protected my self. I have hundreds that will go to war for me but I don’t feel that protection. It’s not the protection in a physical sence more so of the heart. A place where you can share your deepest thoughts, desires, pain, goals, & dreams. A place where you do not have to be on top of things. A place where you can ‘let your hair down’. A place where you can be held. A place where you can cry. A place where you can be honored as a king just because you are. I have out my heart on the line a few times looking for that feeling.
Am I chasing the white rabbit never to Cacth it?
No relationship has ever given me that sensation. It’s always hurdles to get over from religious views , health, fitness, time spent, financial issues, them trying to figure out who they are and what they actually want out of life but not making a change.
I always find myself giving support cheering loving with minimal return at all. No support or concern of what’s on my mind how was my day what happened during training. Maybe those things are what I care about and would think that if someone is into me they would want to be in the kno.
I am very complex & sometimes confusing but if you kno and understand my heart you will get me.
It’s strangest thing is when u here that a man usually go for some one like their mother. Maybe that’s my mistake wanting someone strong that can fight through anything that’s put in front of her. I have not done that in my dating career. It has been the broken wearing the illusion of being a strong woman so when I show what I have to offer they gravitate to me for all I do with my family my son my brothers my team & want that in their life. Someone that figured themselves out.
I am a son grandson nephew brother father friend fighter mentor grinder and becoming aware that I inspire
All that’s missing is being a husband to a wife that is my lover my friend my confidant my inspiration my my checks & balances my arms to cry in my support when I feel like I can’t keep going my eye candy my queen….