in a talk with my grandmother about religion she finally asked what actually made me leave the ame version of the christian church. the simple answer was reading the bible from cover to cover, learning about the history of translations, the control of peoples minds, the enslavement of nations with religion being the moral high ground in the occupation throughout history, the documented forgery, the calendar adjustments to fit new times, and inconsistency throughout while people in the new age pick and choose what fits for them now and toss away the rules of the “good book”….
but that was not the start of my journey. i was a young kid that tried to run with the older teens in the church. then as time went on we would go on trips to other churches or events then it got better weekend retreats to places like delaware for the christian education conference. thousands of youth in various hotels and college dorms to learn about god… well thats where the fucking started…. i could not wait for every trip… it made me want to be more involved in the church and every group possible especially in the youth division of the missionaries in the ame church called the YPD. already i was in my local churches choir, usher, youth speaker, rang the bell every sunday morning once i was strong enough. so it was only natural that i would take on a leadership role as the older teens were heading off to college leaving me at the helm the next generation of the St. Paul AME Boys…. as i moved up the ranks i became the president of my local church ypd group… then the morristown area president… and the new jersey parliamentarian…..
i ran with a crew of future ministers… come to think of it i think i am the only one that bailed on this free ride…. already not having a father’s guidance i started to question if i was to become a preacher when would this stop would i become like the rumors of ministers having “relations” with members of their congregation cheating on their wife. and then asking for forgiveness…
was it this easy? put on a show then take off the mask and become your true self when no one is looking?
that did not sit right with me…. so i studied harder to become closer to god, still wearing many hats with different masks to perform and manipulate any situation i arrived in……..
with in this process i moved to plainfield nj and was eventually called on my bullshit by my soon to be brother 31. that made me be myself and comfortable with being one version of me never to please anyone just to become a better me.
that i did.
so now the thoughts of a meaningful relationship started to build in my mind…. still being young fucking randoms still vaguely attached to the church as i studied on my own to still figure out if it was for me. after the threat of almost losing my leg i felt my grip on the church life style slipping away…. no more facades this is my rebirth i am no longer jeremy or jaron or tobias or j. al____ or whatever name i used….. i am now J. A. no more conflict about my choices what will they think? answer idk (i dont kare)
now im driving…. go fuck this one that one…. drive state to state im bringing my crew u got friends? lets get it in… oh you have a fantasy of being with 2 guys i can make that happen for u! oh u r only into girls what a coincidence ME 2 lets make that happen!!! head while im driving why not! are they having sex in the back while you are driving yes im not going over pot holes… they want to film a video lets make it happen! i r mutha fuckin s.o.t.h.!!!
but still i wanted to be in a relationship
all of my brothers are leaving for the military
9/11 hits
no drivers license
i lose my job at verizon for the first time
depression sets in………………
i am incomplete…… what now
how about no more fucking for sport…..
play semi football…. bouncer at clubs….
not making enough money to support myself so how could i entertain a real relationship…
fuck a few to pass the time…. but wait im going against what i just said….
meet the woman that is to become my sons mother… thinking that i am out of my funk i fail
recently i had a long talk with my sons mother about what did i do wrong with our relationship. she said things were good but she did not feel that i made her number 1 in my life. and i thought that i was after our relationship ended i always wondered what i did wrong and had the assumption that i had not yet ended it with the previous female that was off in the army but because i was lost in my world i neglected her heart i was not attentive.
what sparked this seemingly impossible interaction because we do not talk was me for the first time walking away from a ‘situation’. trying to figure out what i am doing wrong and if i made the correct choice in leaving whatever it was that she and i had…. maybe i bailed to soon but i did not feel the growth together just sparks of a good feeling but in her uncertainty i felt turned off. with the echos of: her again? are you sure? i doubt anything changed did it? are you trying to save her?
i dont kno in one letter i wrote to her i needed for her to show me that she wanted me there…. no response well not when i needed it so the right person at the wrong time started a conversation with me on instagram, someone from my past that was a random fuck that i got cool with but then she would have her anger rage moments that i could not deal with so i created distance between us and tried to have a friendship during my engagement ….. that did not go over well with her….. so 5am i get invited over knowing nothing good will come of this but i still make the trip…. and instantly felt regret after that session…. offering to pick up breakfast for her after knowing that i am going to pass the one that i wants house i almost wanted to get caught……….
i check instagram shes at the movies…. shes on the road…. shes in the passenger’s seat on the way to ny looking beautiful…. i get a text “im going to read the letter you sent later”….
i call back no answer… i laugh we both are hiding something well not really because we are not in a committed relationship… so i can’t be mad, however i am not going to incriminate myself…..
things on her end and my letter was spoken about late that night while i was at work… things started to get better. i took her to a concert and that was my first ever… her energy was the best i have ever felt… her holding my hand meant everything everytime she looked into my eyes they said i love you jeremy… i was at peace…. then i get a text oh u are at a concert with her but came to fuck me then apoligised after knowing you were wrong fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!
i put the phone away looked to my left and got lost in her eyes some more thinking that this is where i should be… this is why i have worked so hard to become a better me 8 years in the making…… finally…. but no the good moments were few and far apart… so i would give what i would get… she would realize what is going on and fix things but then cause them all over again….. i cant take this, i cant play this game, i am off balance i must recenter!
i now find myself alone with randoms messaging my phone wondering whats up with me and them….. i don’t let go of love that easy i still think about her everyday….. i train hard working to my future cloud my thought with my friends and family putting all of my excess energy into them in an attempt to keep my mind clear. when all i want is to be in her arms #5
well time to go train i have a fight to prepare for
#ir62
I’ve learned much about ir62.