My day to day I seem to keep my composure from any negativity. It’s a must to be able to let things roll off of my shoulder I pride my self on that.
When I was young I did not have this type of self control or maybe I did depending on my environment. In most situations through elementary school I had a short temper. Fight after fight suspension after suspension over the stupidest things. In church I was in my element I ran the show not to many issues or situations arose but as they did my reactions adjusted.
When I would lose my temper in school I would jitter and shake until I would cry then the rage would take over followed by my fists. Not having any instruction for self defense or controlled violence I would swing for the fences not feeling anything and dealing out as much punishment as I could until the fight was broken up.
Like I said I had no outlet for aggression with sports, martial arts, or a father involving me in some testosterone driven activities. I grew up in a house full of women church going women oh and my uncle that was a night owl that focused on school & ran the streets (so I hear) so no masculine traits were exhibited to me.
What I was exposed to was the rage my mother had mostly from her constantly receiving calls about my behavior in school followed by the savage beatings I would receive once we were face to face. It was also the frustration and rage from unknown issues to me as a youth as to what she would be pissed off about. Work , family, dating situations, car issues, friend issues. That list can go on and on from what I have learned being an adult.
My turning point was this one night my mother made a bowl of ice cream and grabbed her favorite Oreo cookies to add on. So she started to crush the cookies & something flipped in her mind. Maybe she started thinking about some unresolved issue but it all came out in that moment as I stood there the rage came out and she was no longer chopping the Oreos but the bowl was shattered into pieces. She realized what she had done cleaned up the mess and that’s all I remember.
From that point I knew I had to gain control of myself. I started to travel within the A.M.E. church denomination so my dealings with people had to go in a different direction. I was in my infant stages of being able to take my self out of the equation and use logic to settle a dispute. So as I would talk rage would build up and I would have to let it out. So I would find a brick wall or something metal to go punch until my knuckles bled and I felt a relief. Nothing was solved but I was back to a “normal” state of mind.
With two forms of a unhealthy release of anger I saw a change needed to happen at the age of thirteen. That change came when my mother and stepdad decided to get a place together in Plainfield New Jersey. My first fight in this new environment trying to figure out where I fit in this new town and school. It felt a little slower with the violence but it was gang affiliations reppin their block than the all out wars I went through in East Orange.
Freshman high school football sign ups finally gave me the potential outlet to release my rage. It was the start of my rebirth my path to enlightenment the start of my self control & figuring out who I was.
The first step was my name. I used so many aliases all with their own personalities I needed to become one so that everywhere I would go I could be that person. So at the time I used my middle name on any paperwork with the initial of my first name before that. So as I handed in my paperwork to one of the coaches that I would soon learn his name to be Coach Jones looked at me then looked at my sign up form and said J. A. DUDLEY! see you at practice this summer.
I do not recall to many rage incidents during my high school years now having a outlet. I focused my energy to many different places and keeping calm learning how to deal with issues.
The only place I would seem to have rage issues still would be at home. Speculation of wrong doing in and out of school, plus not having the open line of communication to my parents. The yelling would add to my rage thinking that was the way to handle situations that were tough. It was a great learning tool showing me that people that communicate in that matter can only hear reason when it is relayed back in that same matter.
Jump forward to when I’m 20, working for Bell Atlantic contributing to the household as an adult still treated as a child and made a vow to myself a few years prior to be different. No yelling or arguing a situation because it gets you nowhere and I would walk away from that type of conflict. One day the rage kicked in vs my mother & step dad with all the money I was putting up I demanded a level of respect and courtesy. Yelling started and I threw my mother on the couch telling her its her time to fucking listen and pushed my step dad across the room with plenty of threats flung his way as I dealt with my mother.
From that point we have had a ez going peaceful relationship.
It was also that rage during the death of my super ho that festered my hatred of Africans that it took me years to get over knowing that it was petty but my lip would curl and my nostrils would flare when I would hear that stereotypical voice.
The next series of rage moments came as a bouncer. Not during the fights but if something forced my glasses to go askew I would loose it in a uncontrollable rage.
I then was introduced to MMA training while I was loosing the love of playing semi pro football. In that training the volume of the world was turned down for me (fight club reference). Fighting has helped me obtain a level of peace & tranquility only seen in movies.
I still have my rare moments where I fly off the handle when ignorance is placed in front of me. Mostly dealing with clerical workers that make it their point to make your dealings with them intolerable.
The one place that I want to embrace my rage is when I step into the cage I can feel it getting closer. Nothing personal. Just knowing that I can unload the weight of the world that I carry on my shoulders on someone that signed on that dotted line knowing what to expect when that bell rings.
I have the control….. Or is it controlling me… I think I have a idea….. Maybe….
What I do know is #ir62 and I can only get better. I have to. The cameras are on & my son is watching…………
*applauds*