There are so many promises that people give for fitness, love, goals, work, friends, requests, children, life, safety, health but they say oh I will start on that tomorrow.
What if tomorrow never comes…
I have had many moments of the feeling ‘I will call that person back tomorrow’ or ‘I will take care of that tomorrow’ or ‘I will tell them how I feel tomorrow’
Usually that works and things get done. Well some have given me a reality check like I should have check that toilet now I have a flood in my house. That tire was low now I have a flat. I should have told her how I felt but things are different now. If I would not have waited could these thing have gone different? Would I have been in a better place? Would that have directed my life in a different direction if I would not have taken the easy way out pushing thing off till tomorrow?
My biggest experence with this was with my brother 18 as always waited to long to take care of the breaks on his car. They would grind and squeak and on occasion for his driving habit of tailgating BOOM he would rear end another car! So when I would have the time we would take a day to repair and replace what ever we needed to on our cars instead of taking the car to a shop and spending extra money we did not have.
One Thursday in April 2007 I was up north training at Team Endgame MMA while it was located in Lodi nj. 18 called and left me a message that he was leaving his car at my house so we could replace the breaks on his car that Saturday. I got the message did not bother to call back it was late and I had to get to work as one of the head bouncers at Studio 9 a club in the Woodbridge nj area. My plan was to give him a call when I got up on Friday to plan out the repair plans.
Friday morning comes……
I am awoken by voicemail alerts from 18’s feoncè. Finding it strange for her to call me I press play to hear tears and screaming of total anguish “WHERE ARE YOU! HE WONT WAKE UP! HES GONE!”
I go to call back…
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!! It’s my brother 42 banging on my window.
I get her on the phone…. I ask where are you? My sister house she replies.
42 say he’s gone dawg he’s gone 18 is gone we got to go!
I tell her I am on the way.
Still not fully awake not sure if I am dreaming. 18 can’t be dead. 42 I thought you were out of the country. This has to be a dream…
I never got to make that phone call the next day. I would play his voicemail every day until my phone carier deleted it.
His car sat in my driveway for over a year before I touched it. His 1997 honda accord all black that he converted from automatic transmission to a manual transmission. It was the car he spoke about for years.
One more issue that arose from this was that my brothers 18 & 31 had not spoke for almost a year to the date over something petty and it haunted 31 for quite some time knowing that being petty will get you no where but instead they would pass messages through me like “how’s that bitch ass nigga doin?” My response would be call him and find out “fuck him!” Umm ok and that’s how it would go month after month…
This reminded me daily that I should reach out to everyone that I was close with and let them kno daily and as often as possible how I felt about them. Just for them to know hoe much I cared or that I was thinking about them today. And tried to nudge them to do the same with those that they are close to so they would not have to feel that sorrow of only if….. Granted this is a tiring practice where in my present state of mind I am keeping more to myself in isolation keeping my circle tight focusing my energy on less than 5 at a time when I would try to keep up with hundreds and I don’t feel like I have the energy for that anymore. I am hopping that it’s just a phase……… One day I will go back to being the glue that I have always been http://ir62.com/glue
I don’t have much time in this existence. So I enjoy every day to the fullest.
The biggest thing that stood out was this speaker I heard a few years back talking about atheistism. What he said was appreciate and spend time with your loved ones because one day they will not be here for you to make new memories with and you will not have a reason to morn your loss like many belief systems do and many followers of those belief systems tend to keep away but once a person dies they wish and pray and plead for the ability to have another day.
I took this to heart. I was once one of those that feared death looking for companionship to focus on to better prepare how to deal with the tragedies. Someone that I could put down my warrior shield and give in to the pain and emotions of life. Someone to protect me during that battle. http://ir62.com/the-protector/
With that new found knowledge I had to strengthen my bond with those close to me especially my grandmother. It seems like for the past 10+ years I have been preparing for her death due to the close calls and health issues. Family phone calls would scare me when I lived away. Sometimes my imagination will run away and I will no be able to turn the corner of the day but when I would I would take the time to spend time and make memories and stand up to my fears.
I tend not to let a disagreement go on with out closure and the need to fully explain my self because I don’t like to be missunderstood because I kno that tomorrow is not promised to fix or repair something once someone is gone.
I live a dangerous life to the standards of most. A miss step in any of my professions can lead to me not seeing another day. I am ok with that. So every day without hesitation I give my all to every relationship and interaction that gives their all to me I will not procrastinate and wait till later because I kno tomorrow never comes.
#ir62
This creates 3 emotions simultaneously for me:
It makes me sad that you had to go through this, I do know that feeling of immediate loss and regret.
It make me happy to know you a little better then 10 min ago.
It makes me proud to be your friend and know you are aware how much my family and I love you…. Everyday.